the mother-"Load"
Mothering for some, I hear, is a joy beyond measure. I listen to some mom’s talk about their kids as if they were tiny little gods on beautiful golden pedestals and I think, “Did I miss that lecture in college?” This is not to say that I don’t love my kids. I love them so much sometimes that it hurts (myself and them), but I often feel that I fall short in the area of thinking that they actually climbed up into the sky and helped God hang the moon. And all too many times I feel guilty for not feeling this way. I use to really want to feel that way about my kids, but I am realizing lately that my kids have exactly the mom that they need. Exactly the one that God saw fit to attach them to. She yells, she cries, she cusses, she spanks…but she loves…she loves…she loves…she loves! She is creative, she is funny she will take you to get donuts for no good reason, and she will talk to you about the hard questions of life as if it were a discussion about which pair of underwear to wear that day. She is matter of fact and full of B.S all at the same time. She is me…And she was created just for these specific kids. I will screw them up and I feel quite sure they will be in therapy someday. I know this because I had close to the perfect mom when I was growing up and still I am dropping the eggs out of my basket quite frequently.
Quillen asked me the other day why I “let” something happen the way I did…And I looked at him and said, “ummm…..well, I am human!” And that, my dear friends, is where I think mom’s get the shaft…actually most of us give the shaft to ourselves. We really believe that we can be and try to be super-human. Like somewhere along the way in our pregnancy someone slipped us the secret code to superhero powers and now we will forever be all things to all people. It does not just stop with our kids. It translates in to all areas of life. You want the perfect clean house, the perfect casserole, the perfect SUV, the perfect husband, and of course the perfect children. Perfect Disaster. The expectation often get set so high that no one, can ever meet the standard, especially not you! You know it is bad when you go into major depression and blame yourself for “letting” your kids get sick, which I have felt many times over these winter months Control issues much, Shellee?
Anyway, I am just saying that the load of a mother is a heavy one. It is a weird one. It is the most fulfilling one and the most draining one. It is beautiful and ugly. It is always messy and almost never clean. For me, it goes against my very nature, as I am not a nurturer. But for some glorious reason God gave this gift to me and I am trying my best to honor it with grace and beauty. I so want to be the mom that loves to be a mother…but for now I am just a mother who struggles with being a mom…. Some days I am the hero. Some days I am the villain. Some days, I am just Shellee. And the there are the days I just sit in the bathtub fully clothed, sobbing, (true story) because I cannot be anything to anybody! Mothering for some, I hear, is a joy beyond measure. Mothering for me, is usually measured and most often comes up missing the mark.
January 31, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Have I said yet how much I LOVE YOU?? I think this is great. Incredibly vulnerable and oh so real and true. I think moms are the worst critics of each other. Why the hell can’t we all just find some compassion? I find the “war” all to exhausting and thankyouverymuch I will happily sit out this round. It’s pretty crappy to think that we get so caught up in the tiny details and forget to congratulate one another on the sheer miracle it is to make it through the long days alone with kids. I know all too well how large that miracle is. And I often wonder if all that yelling isn’t somehow actually good for them in the long run. Sure mine will also probably end up in counseling too but dammit if I didn’t love them with all I’ve got. Sometimes I look around the fantastic mess that is my family and thank GOD that at least it’s messy. It’s messy because we love, it’s messy because we choose to go ahead and live, be real, feel anger, pain, joy.. We take the risk to love, to speak, and even to hurt one another. There’s nothing better for me as a mom than the knowledge that no matter how bad the day is, at the end of it my son curls up in my lap and tells me he loves me. Resentment free, he loves me. Because he sees me as I am, not with some veneer of who I “Want to be..” Shell, you are JUST the mom God wants you to be. I am not a nurturer either, but I sure can make a mean pot of macaroni.. Twice, in one day if need be..
Love
K
January 31, 2008 at 3:20 pm
I never get tired of reading your musings………however, I think that you are hiding your talent here on your blog. You should submit these to someone, somewhere as a column. A newspaper or magazine or something. You would have a huge following…probably similar to Carrie Bradshaw a few years ago. All those Sex and The City girls are married with kids now!
By the way, I heard of a new version of a soccer mom on TV the other day…The “soccer momster”. She was really a soccer mom who encouraged her son to use violence on the soccer field.
February 1, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Wow. I often feel the same way, like I’m supposed to be SUPER MOM… but I fall short each and everyday. Pretty much from the time I hit the floor in the morning!! Thanks for sharing. I find your writings quite vulnerable, even inspiring. Thanks for reminding me that I’m just the mom God wanted my boys to have… it’s no mistake!!
Your friend in France
February 3, 2008 at 9:45 pm
(Ann Voskamp)… “How can I be patient in the tipsiness of this domestic chaos?”
I think that my mother-”load” wouldn’t be so heavy, or relationally challenging if my domestic chaos was removed. So much of my discontentment stems from dirty clothes, messy hands, smelly bodies, muddy floors, tangly hair, disheveled shelves, etc…. (my shallow comment)
Currently I am trying NOT to walk in the black and white of life, but in the grey. It is the reality (greyness) of my motherhood where I am trying to find peace. His peace. Enjoyment or not…. I am a mom of 5 amazing children who have vast issues. Issues that I have passed onto them, sin issues, adoptive issues… but they (my fivelittlechickies) are the source of joy…. and pain that rips at my heart daily. They have the ability to shine a magnifying glass at the core of my unbelief. So in my reality I must look at my sin of unbelief and call it what it is….. UNBELIEF …….this is my mother-load today.
(my deep comment)
February 5, 2008 at 5:46 am
Tonight as I shuffled through my daughter’s toys all over her floor in her room (socks, stuffed animals, doll heads -where’s the bodies???) to find PJ’s for the bathed naked cold child in the other room I just felt an overwhelming feeling come over me — I really can’t keep up — not in an self condemnation way, it was liberating, an affirmation– I’m real, not perfect!!!
I do know the ingredient to a perfect casserole however – Velvetta